Do You Compare Yourself to Others and Feel Depressed? Do These 5 Things Instead.

While it’s in our DNA to compare ourselves against others, it can sometimes leave us depressed about our own lives. Learn how to switch things in your favor.

Last Sunday, I was over at my colleague\’s new house for lunch. The house was a sight to behold. He’d spent the last two years building it.

He took me on a quick house tour, pointing out the exquisite marble floors, the crystal chandelier in the living room, and the plush sofa imported from Turkey. The kitchen was an open-plan space that you often see in property magazines. It had a mixer tap that you can turn left for hot water and right for cold water. Fancy, right?

I could go on to describe the beauty of the three ensuite bedrooms upstairs or the picture-perfect garden outside, but I won’t. I don’t want you to experience the same weird mix of emotions I felt when I left my colleague’s lavish home.

Yes, I was happy with his achievements. But I was also consumed with self-loathing.

Why don’t I own a home like that?

Why am I still living in a rented house?

Am I such a failure?

And how did he manage to build such a lavish home despite not holding any senior management position in our company?

I was caught up comparing myself to him and felt I did not match up. He seemed to be living the good life while I was at the bottom of the pile.

Why do you compare yourself to others?

We have an intrinsic need to assess ourselves. And we do that by looking at what others are up to. Back in 1954, American sociologist Leon Festinger dug into this whole phenomenon.

There exists, in the human organism, a drive to evaluate his opinions and abilities.

—Festinger

Festinger argued that people assess their opinions and skills by checking what others are doing. He cited two reasons why we’re always peeking at others:

• Define ourselves (identity): Who am I in relation to everyone else?
• Measure our status: We\’re constantly asking, \”Am I doing okay compared to everyone else?\”

He called this concept the social comparison theory. According to Festinger, you cannot define yourself on your own. But only in comparison to someone else. So, when you ask yourself, “Who am I? you tend to size yourself up against other people.

Festinger further added that we usually pick people who we think are similar to us for these comparisons. For example, you\’re more likely to stack yourself up against a colleague than the company CEO. Why? Because the CEO seems like in a whole different league, but your colleague? They\’re on the same level as you, making it a way more interesting match-up.

We compare upwards and downwards

Sometimes we compare upwards to people we think are better off than us (social upward comparison). We think they are richer, prettier, fitter, or more successful than us.

On one hand, comparing upwards can motivate us to go on and achieve even greater exploits. For example, seeing a colleague complete a training course and consequently earn a promotion. It can inspire you. If she can do it, so can I – and I will!

But on the flip side, it can drive us into a rabbit hole of envy and depression and prompt us to question ourselves.

“Will my relationship ever be that good?” “Why don’t I have a house like his?” “And how does Mercy afford those dreamy holidays while I’m just trying to make ends meet?\”

Comparing upwards, at its worst, can lead to hopelessness. You start to think to yourself, “I’m a loser. I can never have a house or car like his.”

Comparing downwards is when we compare ourselves against those we consider as less successful than us (downward social comparison). You think to yourself:

 “Compared to him, I’m doing fine. I must be doing something right.” 

“Sucks to be them”

Sure, comparing downwards can temporarily improve your mood state and remind you to be more grateful. But the not-so-great part is when you start feeling superior to others.

Social comparison happens at every age

We all compare ourselves to others right from an early age right into our sunset years.

Picture a two-year-old throwing a tantrum because another kid has a shiny new toy or a backpack they don\’t have. Fast forward to the teenage years, and the comparison game kicks into high gear. It’s all about appearances, grades, popularity, brand names, and cliques.

In adulthood, the spotlight shifts to comparing yourself to others based on finances, relationships, education, and careers. Who makes more money? Who has a good job? Who has a nice family?

Even in the sunset years, social comparison still happens. Imagine yourself in your 60s or 70s, watching your neighbor’s son soar through the skies as a high-flying pilot while your 40-year-old son is still camping out in your basement. It\’s natural to wonder, \”Where did I go wrong?\”

Social media increases social comparison

In an era where our lives unfold on social media, the urge to “keep up with the Joneses”, which means comparison with one’s neighbor as a standard for social status, has moved beyond our neighborhoods and onto the internet.

We\’re hooked, spending a shocking 145 minutes every day scrolling through our social media feeds – that\’s almost two and a half hours of comparing our lives.

What\’s on those social scrolls? Well, everyone seems to have it all together. They appear happier, richer, and prettier than us. But here\’s the catch: it\’s not the full picture. What you’re seeing is an edited version of reality showcasing the best moments while sweeping the rest under the rug.

“When we compare our normal lives to other people’s highlight reels, our real shortcomings stare back at us,” says Hugs Organization founder and certified psychologist Ms. Nassim Nkatha.

And it’s taking a heavy toll on our mental health—from increased depression, anxiety, and low self-confidence to struggles with appearance, body image, and identity. It’s no wonder we feel like we’re not good enough.

How can you stop comparing yourself to others?

We’re all wired to compare ourselves against others in society. It’s inevitable. So, don\’t buy into the whole \”don’t compare yourself to others and just be happy with your life\” advice. It’s not practical.

Because you can’t stop comparing, the key is to figure out how to stop those comparisons from consuming you with jealousy and self-loathing.

Here are some practical tips for you to make that happen:

1. Choose how you measure success

Our society has a whole checklist for what it deems as “successful”. Good grades at school. Earning a fat salary.  Get married. Going to church.  Owning property.  Flying to holiday destinations. Having a picture-perfect family.

It\’s like a script telling you, \”Follow this, and you\’ll be happy and respected.\” So, we strive to tick this checklist and not fall below the social expectation.

American self-help author Mark Manson says many of society’s benchmarks for success can help us work harder to reach our full potential. But they aren’t set in stone.  So, we have a choice to pick our own metrics of success.

For example, you may not make as much money as your friend who’s raking it in as a big-shot executive. Based on the money yardstick, someone could say you’re less successful than your friend. But what if you make a decent living helping lots of folks with mental health issues while your pal pays workers low wages while keeping a huge chunk of the profits?

So, money or not, you still feel you’re winning in your own way. Why? Because you’re measuring your success in terms of social impact. Is that undeniably self-centered? Correct. But that\’s the whole idea: it\’s all about how you decide to size up your success. So, not swimming in money doesn’t mean you’re any less valuable as a person.

But this prompts the question: which metrics for success are you picking for yourself?

Action Step: Manson urges caution saying how you measure success shapes everything you do and believe. He advises that you think about your biggest drives and desires. By shifting your focus from the external metrics to an internal state of happiness and meaning, that’s where real success is.

2. Address your thoughts, feelings, and behavior

When good things happen to others, we often struggle to differentiate facts from thoughts and thoughts from feelings, says Amita K. Patel, a licensed psychotherapist & social worker based in New York.

Facts, on their own, can’t make you feel good or bad. It’s the conclusions you conjure in your mind that can trip you up. To dodge that sneaky comparison trap, Amita proposes a three-step plan that tackles thoughts, feelings, and behavior head-on.

Let\’s break it down with an example: Your pal getting married is a fact. Now, thinking \”she doesn\’t deserve it\” or \”I should\’ve been married by now\” – those are just thoughts, not cold, hard facts. Feeling hopeless about your situation? That\’s a feeling, not a fact. And deciding to binge-watch movies on Netflix instead of attending her wedding, that’s (irrational) behavior.

Action step: Next time you catch yourself comparing, take a pause and differentiate between facts, thoughts, and feelings. If spotting the differences is a bit tricky, pay attention when you’re dropping phrases like \”I should\” (I should be married by now), or \”I wish\” (I wish I were richer), or anything ending in -er (He’s stronger than I am).  Once you start untying your thoughts from feelings, you can adopt good behaviors, leading to a better mood and mentality.

3. Gain positive insight from your comparison

According to Lucy Sheridan, a UK-based comparison coach, comparison is a trigger that gives you insight.

comparison is a trigger; it holds insight for us.

Sheridan

It’s there to reveal something about you.  Think of your comparisons as a signal telling you, \”Hey, something needs work here!\”

Instead of drowning in jealousy, go a step further and ask yourself: What are your desires in that area? What feels right to work towards? And what specific action can you take to score what you want? The truth is often an eye-opener and super empowering.

If your friend’s wedding news has you on edge, are you ready for marriage? Feeling envious of your friend’s lean body after their weight loss journey? Maybe you should rethink your lifestyle habits. And if your co-worker getting a raise makes you green-eyed with bitterness, is it a sign of frustration and burnout from your work?

What you notice in those comparisons could be the key to fixing real shortcomings in your life, she says.

4. What you see isn’t the whole truth

What people showcase to the world and on social media is often the best moments of their lives. It’s like they have a director’s cut of their reality picking what scenes make the final cut and what’s left out during editing.

Now, think about when someone hits you with the classic \”How are you?\” Do you start to rant about the stress at work or the disagreements with your spouse? Probably not. You’re more likely to give a nonchalant \”things are fine!\” response.

And get this, a recent study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin confirms that we’re all about sharing the Instagram-worthy moments and not so much our struggles. The study also reveals that we often lean on thinking others are doing well in life while failing to notice their difficulties in life.

So, not only do we get an edited version of reality from others, but we also misinterpret what we see from others— a double tragedy

Here’s Justin Bieber\’s advice:

Action Step: The next time you feel the urge to compare your regular life with other people’s highlight reels, ask yourself whether it’s fair to yourself when you don\’t have the full picture of their behind-the-scenes.

5. Compare yourself to your past self

Comparing yourself to others can set you on a path to always wanting to be superior over others and that triggers narcissism, says Çisem Gürel, PhD researcher in Child Development and Education. High levels of narcissism in teenagers are a risk factor for several conditions like anxiety, addiction, aggression, and poor interpersonal relationships.

Gürel sought to find out if comparing yourself to your past self instead could be a game-changer. Like, could it inspire similar developmental benefits of comparing yourself to others, like self-improvement, but without the undesired effects of always wanting to be superior over others?

To answer this question, she did an experimental study comparing oneself to others versus one’s own past self among children aged 8 and up. The study findings reveal comparing your present self to your past self is the way to go.  It shifted children’s goals away from being better than others toward being better than their own past selves. 

Action Step: The next time you\’re sizing yourself up against your pals, hit that pause button. Instead, take a trip down memory lane to your past self. You\’ll see how far you\’ve come and gain a whole new perspective on things.

The takeaway

It’s part of our DNA to compare ourselves to others. While it can motivate us to work harder, it can also send us into a loop of envy and feeling depressed. The trick is to choose your own metric of success.

Also, think of comparisons as a signal pointing to things you might need to work on in your life. And remember, what you see out there in social media are people’s highlight reels, not the whole story. So, when that urge to compare hits, measure yourself against your past self.

If social comparisons leave you feeling envious and hopeless, our counselors at HUGs can help you. If you would like to book an appointment, contact us at HUGs.